Does the transgenerational mandate ever expire?

Dear woman,

You already know that you carry within you the transgenerational inheritance of everything good and everything difficult, passed down with love from mother to daughter. You already know that no matter how much you wished not to resemble your mother, your aunt or your grandmother, you have come to recognise them in what you do and say. And you also know that you need to differentiate yourself. You need to look in the mirror and see yourself, with your own good and your own difficult parts.

Building your own self can be a demanding process, one that may go against the family mandate you were entrusted with at birth. For example, if the moment you came into this world you were handed the role of carrying on pride as a family value, then through everything you do in your life you will be trying to make your family proud of you and, of course, never to bring shame upon them. The fear of shaming your parents can turn you into someone highly attuned to other people's needs, or into someone anxious, gripped by a powerful fear of making a mistake.

The transgenerational family mandate was passed on to you as a mission to accomplish something that is never spoken aloud and that works away at an unconscious level. This mission may fit you like a glove, and you may carry it out beautifully, adapting to what is asked of you and anchoring yourself in the present rather than in changing it.

But in other families and in other circumstances, that very same mission can become a struggle, because it simply doesn't match your dreams or your philosophy of life.

You may feel forced to give up your own dream, or you may not even dare to shape one in the first place, just so you can satisfy your parents' unfulfilled wishes and needs. You may feel burdened with the mission of carrying on the family business, even though the field holds no passion for you at all. Or pushed from behind to break family records your parents only ever dreamed of reaching.

In therapy, becoming aware of the behaviour patterns, the beliefs and the values you received transgenerationally, before you ever had a say, and have honoured with the devotion of an unwritten vow, is followed by one clear and direct question: do you want to keep this vow?

If the answer is YES, then you have reached your goal of knowing yourself and understanding the causes and the sources of the way you approach life.

If your answer is NO, then you are brave enough to create change and to walk a new path with therapeutic guidance.

And now we can ask ourselves: which old stories did you receive from your family and turn into promises in your own life? Have you kept the promise, or have you written promises of your own?