Family Constellations: Healing Your Relationship With Your Father

Do you want to heal the relationship with your father? Take a look in the mirror!

One of the first things I learned from astrology was that the Sun represents the Self, the expression of the Hero who sets out on the Journey of Life towards the North Node, towards destiny.

But in the relationship with our parents, the Sun stands for Father, the paternal energy that points the way in life in general, and in your career in particular.

You shine as brightly as your relationship with your father allows you to.

Whether you knew your father or not, his energy lives in your subconscious. And from that dark, uncharted world of the subconscious, the Hero fights his battles – with himself, and sometimes with others – to prove his worth in his father’s eyes.

How did you try to connect with your father?

Maybe you tried to get his attention by copying him and following in his footsteps.

Maybe you wanted him to see you, so you caused nothing but trouble at school, or you ran away from home.

Maybe you wanted him present in your life, so you became the model child – quiet and obedient, careful never to upset him.

Maybe you became a father to your own father, teaching him how to make his way through life.

Your relationship with your father shows up most clearly in your relationships with partners. It’s no accident that people say you choose a partner modelled on your father, or on your mother.

Sometimes there are even physical resemblances. What’s certain is that you choose your partner by criteria you are not aware of. And I’m not talking about arranged marriages here.

Generally, we look for someone to fill in our emotional gaps. We go searching for the missing puzzle piece our father didn’t know how to give us, or simply couldn’t. And we wait for a partner who holds that piece and can make us whole. We wait for someone to take care of our inner child.

But let’s remember the mission of the inner Hero. Do you really believe your Self came into this life to be looked after, provided for, and physically and emotionally dependent on someone else?

The father is a guide, a teacher – not a caretaker. His role is to show us the direction and walk us towards the path of the soul, whatever lessons we have to learn along the way. When you come to understand and accept the role your father played in your life – whether present or absent – that is when you come to know your own mission in this life.

The best teachers are the partners, colleagues, friends and bosses who, by the way they treat you, press exactly on the buttons your heart is missing. You believe they can see your need for attention, for safety, for authentic expression, but instead of supporting you they press harder right where it hurts. Has this happened to you too?

Here are the four teachers you should take out to dinner and treat to a meal:

1. The Narcissist is the teacher who taught you to see your own worth; to set healthy boundaries and to put yourself first
2. The Miser is the teacher who taught you that you deserve more; that you can’t settle for scraps when you’re worth so much more
3. The Ghost is the emotionally unavailable teacher who taught you to make yourself seen; to love yourself and to be present in your own life
4. The Sexist is the teacher who taught you that a woman also carries masculine energy and a man also carries feminine energy; that you are fine exactly as you are, as long as you feel the peace and harmony between your masculine and feminine

Of course, if you get to the point of treating these teachers to dinner, it means you’ve learned your lessons, passed every test, and managed to grow beyond your father.

The relationship with the father is a process of maturing and growing, and without it we cannot evolve.

So if you’re struggling in the relationship with your father but you believe you’ll make it in life without him anyway, listen once more to what I said. Real growth happens when you bring peace, love and respect into the relationship with your father.

If this resonates and you feel ready to heal the relationship with your father, I’m here for you in therapy.